Ang Hirap Naman...

gumawa ng desisyon kapag wala namang tama at wala namang mali sa mga pinagpipilian mo.

Minsan tuloy mas gusto ko na lang na sa lahat ng bagay may tama at mali. Mas madali kasi iyon. Dahil sa mga ganoong sitwasyon, alam mo na agad kung ano ang DAPAT piliin. Parang nagiging isang default decision na ang piliin kung ano ang tama.

Haaay... Nakausap ko ngayong araw sina Jedyne at Kathleen, dalawa sa mga kaklase ko mula pa noong unang taon ko sa kolehiyo. Magkaiba sila ng pananaw ukol sa bagay na "pinoproblema" ko ngayon ngunit pareho lang sila ng tinanong sa akin...

IKAW, ANO BA TALAGANG GUSTO MO?

Hmmm... Ang simple ng tanong diba? Pero nakakatawa lang na hirap na hirap akong sagutin yan ngayon. O siguro may ayaw lang ako aminin sa sarili ko (gaya nga ng sabi ni Jedyne. O... O... Di ko alam. Sa nahihirapan ako eh, pakialam mo ba...





Biro lang. :)

Hay... Lagi namang di ko alam eh... :(





Oo nga pala...

Ito ang mga bagay na pinag-iisipan ko ngayon... Mga sinabi ng dalawa kong kaibigan.
Ilan sa mga napag-usapan namin... Mga bagay na pulit-ulit na lumilitaw sa aking isipan. Ilalagay ko rito. Baka sakaling kailanganin ko ulit pagtanda ko, kaya gagawin kong paalala.(NOTE: Ilalagay ko ang ilang bahagi para naman may "entertainment". Baka kasi wala rin namang makaintindi nito maliban sa dalawa kong kaibigan na ito, kaya mas mabuti pang tawanan niyo na lang... Para magkaroon ng silbi ang mga ito para sa inyo. )

Jedyne Tejada: oo ganyan din ako no
Jedyne Tejada: pero wala langgggg
Jedyne Tejada: narealize ko kasi
Jedyne Tejada: hindi yun ang gusto ko
Jedyne Tejada: kaya ikaw
Jedyne Tejada: ano ba ang gusto mo
Jedyne Tejada: or pwd ding
Jedyne Tejada: ano ang MAS gusto mo
Hannah: yun nga eh
Hannah: gusto ko ng music
Hannah: HAHAHA
Hannah: ang pangit diba
Hannah: gusto ko ng languages
Hannah: pero hindi english
Hannah: HAHAHA
Hannah: haaaaay
---------------------
Hannah: pakiramdam ko hindi
Hannah: hindi sapat na panghihinayang ang maging dahilan ko para ituloy yun diba?
Hannah: nakakainis lang na hindi pagkatuto naiisip ko lahat ngayon
Hannah: naiisip ko habang kausap kita...
Hannah: ang pagiging kritikal naman puwedeng matutunan sa labas ng classroom
Hannah: tapos kung gusto ko naman sanayin ang sarili ko kung paano magbasa ng napakahabang mga babasahin... madali lang...
Hannah: basahin ko yung buong libro sa finance o kaya sa ls
Hannah: HAHA
Hannah: ano ba yan
Hannah: sorry
Hannah: ang corny
Jedyne Tejada: may libro ka na?! bwahahahah it's over.
Jedyne Tejada: well oo totoo yan
Hannah: wala noh
---------------------------
Hannah: o diba
Hannah: ang t*nga
Hannah: hahaha
Hannah: tinanong pa kita
Hannah: alam ko naman pala mga nararamdaman ko
Hannah: *spanks her mouth* sorry sa word
Hannah: naiinis lang ako pag ganito ako
Hannah: kung meron lang subject na nagtuturo kung paano gumawa ng desisyon, itetake ko yun
Hannah: haaaaaaaaay
Hannah: :(
Hannah: something worthwhile...
Jedyne Tejada: alam moooo
Jedyne Tejada: minsan kelangan mo rn ng kausap
Jedyne Tejada: para marealize mo or para magmaterialize ung mga nararamdaman
Jedyne Tejada: minsan kasi ayaw lang natin aminin sa sarili natin
Jedyne Tejada: pero ikaw
Hannah: ganon?
Jedyne Tejada: malay mo biglang gusto mo pala
Hannah: tama kaaaaa
Hannah: paano ba malalaman kung gusto?
Hannah: AHAHAHA
Hannah: what a question
Jedyne Tejada: well alam mo lang yata
Jedyne Tejada: minsan baka [pagkagising mo
Jedyne Tejada: something like that
Jedyne Tejada: :))
Hannah: hahaha
Jedyne Tejada: seryoso
--------------------------------------------
Hannah: ang hirap ng maraming gusto
--------------------------------------------
Hannah: nyek
Hannah: ano ba
Jedyne Tejada: oo pero the more you hate, the more you love
--------------------------------------------
Jedyne Tejada: o so ano na
Jedyne Tejada: ano nang plano mo
Hannah: na...
Hannah: hindi ko na itutuloy...
Hannah: ?
Hannah: hahaha
Hannah: hayyy
Jedyne Tejada: ipagdasal mo rin sigurooooo
Hannah: oo noh
Hannah: pinagdarasal ko nga
Jedyne Tejada: well wala kang dapat ikahinayang kung di mo talaga gusto
-------------------------------------------
Jedyne Tejada: una sayang pera
pangalawa sayang panahon
pangatlo may pwede ka pang gawing mas mabunga
kaya, palalimin mo pa ang iyong pagmumuni
upang mas bumunga ang karanasan
-----------------------------------------
Jedyne Tejada: rumelax ka muna hannah
baka rn masyado ka nagwoworry
sabi nga ni jope
kelangan naman magrelax
alagaan ang sarili
alagaan ang katawan
dahil tayo mismo ang ating katawan.



Kathleen: minsan talaga, may mga bagay na puwede kang mag-go go go.
May mga bagay na kailangan kang mag-"back-off".
-----------------------------------------
Hannah: Ha? Pakiramdam ko na sa tanong mo na "ano ang law?" may hinahanap kang truth. May GUSTO ka pa rin nun, ibig sabihin.
-----------------------------------------
Kathleen: Isipin mo kung ano talaga ang gusto mo. Ang MAS gusto mo.


MAS gusto... Dasal... Ipagdarasal ko na lang ang lahat nang ito.

Hay... Lord, Kayo na po bahala sa akin.

Salamat muli sa aking mga kaibigan.

Human

Yay! I have my new blog layout. Finally! Thanks to google. LOL. :)

Ahhhh... It has been a very tiring and challenging sem for me.
So many things happened.
Many people laughed.
Many people cried.
Lots of them were born.
Lots of them died (literally :( ).
All of them seem very close to my heart
Or have at least touched my life in one way or another
There were times when I'd feel scared because I don't want certain things to happen to me like it happened to them.
However, there were times too when I'd simply wish I was like them.

*sighs* This is so funny. I'm trying to sound poetic. Hahaha... ENOUGH.
Laaaah... Actually, I just want to express myself without using too many words (Because I don't want to think too much.XD The left (?) side of my brain seems to be working doubly hard that I only see words instead of pictures inside my head). But really... This sem has been a rollercoaster ride. In fact, THIS YEAR has been one, but I'll save that for my year-ender post. Hahaha... I still have approximately 3 months before I get to say hello to year 2009.

Haaay... Life... Sometimes I don't know how to feel about it anymore. There are days when I don't know if I should be happy or sad... bubbly or gloomy... hopeful or pessimistic... Aiyo... I guess I'm just afraid to feel things. STILL afraid to feel things.

But honestly, I think I've grown a lot compared to who I was before. I'm more optimistic and more straight-forward in expressing my feelings. More relaxed and lighthearted.

But not that much... yet... Hahaha...XD I'm still learning.

However, if there's one thing I'm really happy of discovering these past 6 months, I'd say it's my determination. I never thought I'd be able to experience what I am going through right now. They're actually not part of my plans (SO NOT PART OF MY PLANS...), but I guess that's what makes life exciting and meaningful - when things go out of control. They make you strive harder because you're forced to get on your feet and fight. They make you realize your capabilities and limitations. They remind you that you can always do more (hmm... is it really "always"? still thinking about it till now).

Most importantly, they make you feel more human. :D

[This post seems to be "bitin" (Haha, conyo), but I couldn't think of anything else to say. My head's been aching the whole day.XD Nevertheless, I'll post this]

Stubborn

How am I supposed to know my limitations?

When can I say "I cannot"?

Do my failures tell me that I should stop working hard and let things be?

Or do they tell me that I can do more?

Are these botches telling me to surrender?

Or are they telling me to keep on fighting?

If I fight and I do not get what I want, do I still have to keep on pressing on?

Why do I keep on striving even if I do not get whatever it is that I'm working for?

Why can't I stop myself from working?

Why am I so stubborn?

Being stubborn means being unreasonably and obstructively determined to persevere.

Am I being unreasonable now?

I know life isn't just about this.

But I want to do well in this aspect.

I want to do well in everything that I do.

I'm against mediocrity.

Do you know when to stop?

Because I don't.

But maybe there's just one thing lacking now.

FAITH.

Fr. Ben Nebres' (my lola told me they're cousins, but I never had the guts to approach him and tell him I'm his apo) sermon last night was like a huge boulder being thrown at me.

He was talking about Kung Fu Panda and about believing in oneself.

After all that he said, I realized that I should watch Kung Fu Panda.

Kidding.

His sermon served as a reminder for me to believe in myself.

To have faith in myself.

To have faith that I can do things (but what if things aren't going right? HA. SUCH A PESSIMIST).

To have faith that others have faith in me.

To have faith SO THAT others MAY ALSO have faith in me.

TO HAVE FAITH IN GOD.

Then maybe my stubbornness will work.

Then maybe I won't be unreasonable anymore.

Between Me and Whom?

People are often
unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
forgive them anyway.


The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
do good anyway.


Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
give the world the best you've got anyway.


You see, in the final analysis,
it is between YOU and GOD;
it was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa


Enough said.

Huh?

I was supposed to write something so as to cover up my past posts. I found them lacking in coherence and substance. However, my thoughts and emotions seem to just come and go. Haaay.

I am not able to express myself properly, especially when I talk about my emotions because my mood is easily changed. I have so many thoughts, but I am not able to write them down because the moment I open my diary or my blog, my inspiration has already "left me".

How come I am not able to savor every emotion that I feel? How come I am not able to pause and absorb what I am going through before I go on exploring and feeling other things? I don't know. Maybe it's my mind's fault. Or maybe it's my fault because I do not choose to dwell on things.

These days, I do not actually write whenever I have THE inspiration. It's more of writing because I have the urge to do so. I have the urge to let my feelings out. I have a NEED to release an emotion.

I noticed then that I would often write when I feel bad about certain things... Whenever I'd feel angry and frustrated. I find the need to write down my feelings usually when I am disappointed. Not happy. Not jolly.

Maybe there is no really NEED to write something when you feel happy about it. Maybe because when you are happy, you feel inspired. You write your thoughts LEISURELY and not "NECESSARILY". You write because you WANT to, not because you feel that you NEED to.

So... What's my point? I don't know. My ideas just left me.

.

You explain a lot.

You talk a lot.

You don't have to.

Chopsuey...XD

Bloggy! Wheee... Fast post. Fast post. Hahaha... Ikaw ata instant diary ko pag wala na akong oras magsulat kay Mimi (real, tangible diary. Btw, "Mimi" means secret in Mandarin). I just want to share you this before I go on working. :)

"Before this GA, I remember Ruth telling me (I think sa interview pa nga lang yata yon) na "Grabe kailangan natin manalo sa GA! Mananalo tayo this year!" And well -- nangyari nga talaga! What we should all learn from this is that if we really put our minds to something and we do everything in our capacity to attain it, mangyayari talaga. Because of our hard work and selflessness, and sa sobrang mahal natin sa department and sa AMA, nagawa natin.

And the best part is, I can really feel that we are ONE FAMILY -- the PR Family, full of love and excitement and passion for the department. Sobra akong natutuwa knowing that beyond the work, beyond the projects assigned to us, we're all FRIENDS. And that's something that I'm so proud of. Tingnan niyo, after the GA kanina, kahit tapos na ung pack-up, we stayed pa -- para mag kwentuhan, mag asaran, mag kulitan -- and I'm so happy knowing that that's the kind of relationship we have in the department. So there. You all are GREAT PEOPLE -- sobrang enthusiastic, sobrang friendly, sobrang likeable and sobrang daling makisama kahit kanino. I hope that this kind of enthusiasm will not go away. Pagpatuloy natin to -- so that our PR members would also feel that same sense of love and family when they're in the PR department!!

Nagmamahal,
Mian"

That was sent to us by our boss in AMA PR department, Ate Mian. :) Haaaay... Actually hindi boss because she never made us feel na mas mataas ang position niya kaysa sa amin. Bloggy, I am just so happy that people appreciate our hard work.

When I was in high school, I remember my adviser asking the whole class to bring a plant for our room. Since I was already assuming that no one would bring, I got one of lola's potted plants in the garden and donated it. When I arrived home, my aunt asked me about it. I just told her that I placed it on one of the corners of our room, but that our teacher seemed to have not noticed it. But... Ahmm... Do I care? Gagaga...XP It didn't matter to me before if people didn't see what I did for them. Why? Because I want to be sincere.

Err... Reflecting on that...

Being sincere = Not expecting anything in return?

Yun nga ba talaga ang ibig sabihin nun?

Well, well, well...?

Sorry... Ang babaw ng example... Pero sabi kasi ni Mama (auntie) noon, "Lahat ng tao kailangan ng appreciation. Ikaw, kailangan mo niyon. Hindi ibig sabihin na nag-eexpect ka ng ganun, hindi ka sincere sa ginawa mo." Martha would always remind me about it also whenever I tell her that I'm not expecting anything because I do not want to get hurt nor disappointed when I do not get the attention that I need/want. Sabi niya, "Mag-expect ka sa'kin. Gusto ko iyon. Ganun dapat."

Hmmm...

WAAAAH... I don't know how to write coherently anymore. Sorry. Hahaha...

Basta basta... Am really happy about AMA. This sem, I'm active in 3 orgs (thank God for allowing me to have those). :) Yung iba naman kasing org ko, hindi pa masyadong demanding. Wala pa sa peak season. Hahaha... But yeah. I would want to grow in those three orgs. Gusto ko kasi pag sinalihan ko, may mapupuntahan ako. May matututunan. May magagawang bagay na hindi ko nagawa noon. Ayoko nang marami kung hindi ko kayang i-maintain. Same with my perception about friends. I prefer to have few close friends than to have many many many friends. Mas gusto kong may epekto ako sa buhay ng kakaunting kaibigan ko kaysa magkaroon ako ng maraming kaibigan nang hindi ko nakikita at naipapakita ang tunay na kahulugan ng isang "kaibigan". Loner ba? Loser? Hahaha... Sensya. Of course, I'm always open to meet new people. Always. :) I love listening and talking. I love socializing and making people laugh. But I'd like to think that socializing has levels. Hahaha... LEVELS?!? Ok, I do not want to lecture on those kinds of things, so I won't explain what it means to me anymore. Hao ma?

Going back to my orgs...

I'm currently playing the violin with the CMO string ensemble. Super enjoy! Hahaha... Enjoy pala pag may kasama kang tumutugtog nun. Hindi noise ang naririnig ko, music. Hahaha...XD Uhm, I think may mga nagpeplay dun ng cello, viola, etc. Hindi ko pa lang sila namimeet. Basta parang magiging orchestra na ata kami. Hahaha... Pero masaya ako na malaki na yung org na iyon. :) Nung 1st year kasi ako, super lagas-lagas kami. Hahaha... Kung kailan lang gusto mag-play dun lang tutugtog. Oo nga pala, ang org na iyon ay, sabi ko sa sarili ko, magiging way ko para maging connected pa rin kay God kahit nasa campus. Minsan kasi patutugtugin kami tuwing may big events and mass. :) Parang sort of "panata" ko ito kay God. :) Masaya naman kasi alam ko may purpose ang pagtugtog ko ngayon. Tapos inspired pa ako matuto kasi binilhan ako nina Daddy at Mommy ng bagong violin. :)

Alam mo, pangarap kong tumugtog sa harap ng maraming tao. :) Medyo weird at ang manang ng konsepto pero isa sa pangarap ko makatugtog kasama ang isang orchestra. Yung magpeplay ako tapos makikita ko proud sa akin loved ones ko. Gusto ko ituloy ang pagtugtog ko kahit nagtatrabaho na ako. Kahit graduate na ako. Habang nag-aaral sa law school. Basta. I feel na kahit hindi na ako teenager in 2 years' time, marami pa rin akong magagawa sa buhay ko. :)Gusto ko ganun ang mangyari dahil... maganda ang buhay! :) Hahaha...

AMA and LEX. Hmmm... Those are my two other orgs. AMA, Public Relations Manager ako. LEX, Deputy ng Treasury. Hindi ko alam kung ba't ko napasukan yun. Hahaha... I realized kasi na minsan ayoko sa pera. At kahit madaldal akong tao, hindi ako super ma-PR tulad ng iba. But I'm glad that people trust me with those responsibilities. Mahirap nga lang kasi kumakain talaga ng oras at enerhiya. Minsan hindi ko alam kung saan pupunta at kung paano pagkakasiyahin ang oras, pero sa huli, ayokong isiping pagod ako. Gusto ko sa lahat ng ginagawa ko, masaya ako. :) Iba ang buhay 'pag ganun...

MAGAAN... :)

Isa pa, nararamdaman ko ngayon na kahit sobrang exhausted ang resources at energy ko sa academics at org work, gumagawa si God ng way para maging maganda ang resulta sa parehong aspeto ng aking school life. He really knows what's best for me. :)

Going back to my AMA Family (para naman mukhang may sense ang post ko). Masaya kasi nagiging close na kami. Parang brothers and sisters. Ako, honestly, medyo ilang pa. Ako lang kasi ata LM dun. Hahaha... But I'm happy that they're all kind to me. :) Happy also na nakakikilala ako ng bagong tao at nakaka-encounter ng iba't ibang ugali. Pero sa grupo walang namang bad blood. :) Now I'm excited for my projects kasi hindi na ako mahihiyang lumapit at humingi ng tulong sa kanila. :) Sana tuluy-tuloy na nga talaga ang "family-ness". :) Sana ganun din sa iba kong nasalihan. :D


Wheee... May sense ba? Hahaha... Hanggang dito na lamang! Paalam! :)

Hannah